And All. That. Caaaash.

Today, I'd like to take a moment to manipulate the markets.  Ahema Ahem.

If you manage to work up to 10 hours this month, I'd say invest that windfall in coal.  Coal is the new oil, trading in human misery.  Coal is going to be a shitstorm for maybe 3 years which means KACHING for us investors!  Yaaaaay... and it's actually still a good time to get into oil even though it's at record lows.  Highs.  No wait, lows.  Wait, which is it?  Gas is really high, oil is low?  What the fuck does that mean?  Wait, is it... ok let's just say it's doing something.  I'ts really good.  It's not going down anytime soon.  Just in the last year it's gone up something like 75-85%.  That makes sense, right?  Don't stop me now betch I'm on a roll!

As for this 'Apple' thing, I don't like it.  The company has waaaaaaay too much cash.  What's Jobs doing with all that cash?  That cash could be spent on SUVs and stock options for the top 7 CEOs, like Dell.  Any good company runs on a solid debt model.  All that cash makes me nervous.  

http://globalforum.blogs.fortune.cnn.com/2008/12/31/technology/dell_execs.reut/index.htm

Oh wait, wrong link, that's the one that says Dell has fired 8800 employees or something and contradicts those cover stories that were painting Michael Dell as the prodigal visionary, returning to the company he founded to save it from disaster.  This one specifically says he's "failed".  And that they lost two top executives he brought in to save the company.  And that he gave them millions in signing bonuses.  And they are gone now too.  This was back in December, when 8800 seemed bad.

Wups.  Not the one I was looking for.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29634868/

This is the one from yesterday where Dell laid off another 300 employees at one single plant.  The plant only employs 1400 people so that's a big chunk.  

http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do?command=viewArticleBasic&articleId=9022499

Ok this one's a little better, this highlights how the Wizard of Dell is architecting a turn around at Dell - in 2007 - by firing 10% of its labor - which at the time was 88,100 people.  Ok so if you don't focus on the 'people losing livelihoods, lots of them right around Christmas time before quarterly reporting,' then the whole 'turn-around' thing sounds really positive!  Shit that wasn't right either.

http://www.startribune.com/business/41099377.html?elr=KArks:DCiUo3PD:3D_V_qD3L:c7cQKUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUU

OK - how about this one goddamnit?!?  This one at least says the number of firings to date is unknown.  Ok!?  It mentions how Dell started out saying they wanted to save $3 billion (kind of like Apple wanted to save $18 billion... which they did, in terms of actually saving some of the money that came in the door and putting it in the bank) and were going to fire only 8800 people.  And then they fired 9300. wHAT?!? 

Fuck!  Shit, this is the wrong link too.  Wait wait it's ok!  Because they decided mid stream they want to save $4billion now!  See?  All good!  

Ok, it looks bad that when one guy decides to save money, 10,000 people may have to live off whatever fucking savings they have saved up to now, regardless of Christmas or birthdays or accidents or healthcare or school or divorce or dreams or anything.  

How did we get to 10,000 people goddamnit?  I thought this was only up to ... oh, right, bottom of the article they mention firings at bunches of other plants, and Dell isn't saying how many.  Not saying how many.

Finally!  Let's keep this story peppy, people, peppy!  This is a consumer confidence problem in America!  Let's show some teeth in those photos!

Fuck... we'd have to go to at least 2006 I think to find stories of those happy times when Dell used to slash stock options - (because they were already basically worthless since the market is flooded with all these guys selling stocks to pay themselves at the expense of the shareholder) -  from the 'employee incentive program designed to bring the top talent to Dell' (code for paying all your pals all the money and fucking the little guy, especially since if you were ' top talent ' you wouldn't disgrace yourself working at Dell) -and instead they just used to outright pay each other in more cash - like real men do  ... and SuVs... hookers and DomP... Iphones...

I'm just not willing to go back that far to feel better about this.